That probably made no sense to anyone else but Chantale.
So I've decided I'm gonna try therapy of some point. The more and more I look at this year and the things I've done or haven't done, and the way I've felt about them, the more I think that there's something very wrong. The behaviour, the attitude, the ambivalence. All of it just adds up to someone who isn't who I am. It's like a doppelganger or something. And I don't like it. It could be something as straightforward as depression (not that depression is ever straightforward, but...), but I keep thinking schizophrenia over and over. Been doing some reading on it, and it just sounds like me. Not the hallucinations and delusions part (though I do tend to over-think and assume people hate me), but the "negative" symptoms, which match pretty closely with depression.
I just want to feel like I did before I came to this damn school. I was a happy person then. For the most part, I mean. I had my moments/days/whatevers, but for the most part I was really happy. And then NSCAD. I think finishing with the film program will help a lot with it. I hate myself a lot in that kind of context. I always feel useless, talentless, hated, ignored. I think getting back into photography, which is a much more singular art practice, will help a lot. I get to choose how I relate to other people and whether I want to involve them in my work. That said, I am not looking forward to having to make photographs that have some deep, intrinsic message about the human condition. I just like taking photographs, people.
I think this summer I'm going to try a series. I tried out some shots with my 6x6 Brownie, and came out with a shot of the food court in Scotia Square, completely deserted. It was weird. I might try and do a series of public places without people in, using just toy cameras and slide film or something. I like the quality of it. Kinda creepy. It will mean a lot of Sundays out and about, but I think it's something I can actually achieve, and small goals are really important right now.
Okay. I've got some stuff to drop off at school, and then it's time for work. It's a beautiful day out. Colder than yesterday (I walked home from work with no coat on!), but still sunny. Looking forward to the walk to school.
I love you all.