Kerrin (redheaded_itch) wrote,

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I am alive.

I made my goal of getting home by 1AM. So far I haven't heard back from the Belly of the Whale post team, so I can only assume they were happy with that edit of the titles. I had to eventually re-do the end credits from scratch, because the timing wasn't syncing up on any of the blocks of text.

That probably made no sense to anyone else but Chantale.

So I've decided I'm gonna try therapy of some point. The more and more I look at this year and the things I've done or haven't done, and the way I've felt about them, the more I think that there's something very wrong. The behaviour, the attitude, the ambivalence. All of it just adds up to someone who isn't who I am. It's like a doppelganger or something. And I don't like it. It could be something as straightforward as depression (not that depression is ever straightforward, but...), but I keep thinking schizophrenia over and over. Been doing some reading on it, and it just sounds like me. Not the hallucinations and delusions part (though I do tend to over-think and assume people hate me), but the "negative" symptoms, which match pretty closely with depression.

I just want to feel like I did before I came to this damn school. I was a happy person then. For the most part, I mean. I had my moments/days/whatevers, but for the most part I was really happy. And then NSCAD. I think finishing with the film program will help a lot with it. I hate myself a lot in that kind of context. I always feel useless, talentless, hated, ignored. I think getting back into photography, which is a much more singular art practice, will help a lot. I get to choose how I relate to other people and whether I want to involve them in my work. That said, I am not looking forward to having to make photographs that have some deep, intrinsic message about the human condition. I just like taking photographs, people.

I think this summer I'm going to try a series. I tried out some shots with my 6x6 Brownie, and came out with a shot of the food court in Scotia Square, completely deserted. It was weird. I might try and do a series of public places without people in, using just toy cameras and slide film or something. I like the quality of it. Kinda creepy. It will mean a lot of Sundays out and about, but I think it's something I can actually achieve, and small goals are really important right now.

Okay. I've got some stuff to drop off at school, and then it's time for work. It's a beautiful day out. Colder than yesterday (I walked home from work with no coat on!), but still sunny. Looking forward to the walk to school.

I love you all.
Tags: let's talk about our feelings, lol art school, my stupid brain, real life, school, waahmbulance
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